He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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