and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
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cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
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I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.