I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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