i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
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the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat