Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
