I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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