Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
