Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
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My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
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The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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