I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
