Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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