Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
