Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
