i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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