Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
