They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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