I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
