that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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