9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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