Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
