I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
