you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
