It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
