Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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