Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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