i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
