My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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