i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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