i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
