I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
