Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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