look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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