the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Randomize
