the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
