The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
