Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
