Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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