He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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