Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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