My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
