I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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