He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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