Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
