I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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