dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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