I just pynch a tree in the face
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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