I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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