i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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