drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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