I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
