I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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