Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
