Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
