I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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