at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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