I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
