The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
