my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
