just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
