I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I love you. Go after that dick
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
