she looked like the before picture.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
